A Yale University study a few years ago revealed that the average child is scolded - criticized - over 20,000 times between the ages of two and ten. Mom says, No, Charlie - dont touch that! Or a teacher says, Jackie, thats not the way to do it! All those Nos and shouldnts add up to a predisposition toward self-criticism that we must look at before we can truly change our lives. Self-criticism is a major barrier to change. Since weve all been taught to doubt our abilities and our judgement, its no wonder that our brain constantly feeds back to us those negative thoughts, even when theres no outside critic present. Doesnt that also explain why, when we fail at something, its hard to try again? Of course. Our inner critic tries to tell us that we can NEVER do that or be that! This article begins with a technique for learning how to hear your inner critic clearly...an exercise in hearing. Then well look at how you can redirect your brain -- to silence the inner critic -- and then to set it up with new messages that are not negative, damning or damaging. The first job is to locate that inner voice. Your first move here is to discover exactly where that voice is coming from inside your brain. As you enter one of those moments when your head tells you something like What if I mess up? -- immediately close your eyes (this is important, you need to cut yourself off from other stimuli) and tell yourself, Im listening to my head talk. Ask yourself, Where is the voice located in my head? Is it in the front of your skull or at the back? Behind your eyes? Between your ears? Low in the brain just above your spinal column? Youll get an impression, I guarantee it. When youve located the source, open your eyes and write down the words youre hearing...or, if youre more of an auditory person, say the words youre hearing OUT LOUD so that you can hear them coming in from an external source. This may sound crazy, but locating your inner voice will actually make it easier to tune in to it and to get it out of the way as you replace the old thoughts with new ones. Once youve located the source of the inner critic, begin to listen to the vocabulary of the criticisms. What are the words themselves? Are you hearing EXTREME words like ALWAYS, NEVER, EVERYBODY, NOBODY...? These extreme words are ABSOLUTES. You got them years ago, but they dont serve you now. Whats going to work will be RELATIVE words, as well show you a bit later. Are you hearing NEGATIVE words like CANT, SHOULDNT, WONT or WOULDNT...? These words only need to be eliminated. They dont need to be replaced with positive words, only with positive feelings...again, well get into that more a little later. One suggestion...consciously slow down the rate of your inner critical speech. This way youll hear it all more clearly, and youll be able to focus more easily on the painfulness of each individual word. Now listen to the tone of voice of your inner critic. Ill bet that it sounds belittling, condescending, critically harsh and abrasive. Right? Where do you think all that came from...not only the words, but also the tone? Youll be working on modifying that inner voice to be gentler, softer, kinder, more encouraging, less discouraging. But first weve got to reach the negative stuff and cut it off. What Im describing now is, of course, a process. Youre not going to be able to silence your inner critic in a moment, nor will you be able to open up to positive thoughts after all these years of negative stuff. Maybe you could benefit from writing down your inner critics statements in a little notebook. Jot down the situation in which the thoughts occurred, the wording of the thoughts, your remarks about the tone of the thoughts...and dont forget to note the date and time. Youll soon be surprised to notice just how often these critical thoughts arise! The basic cut-off technique, though, is to pay attention to those negative thoughts and, as soon as one begins, instruct your brain to say, STOP! If youre alone, saying STOP out loud is even more powerful. And the faster you interrupt, the better. By the way, say only STOP! If you go further, it may be to say, STOP, STUPID...there I go again, why cant I get this right? Wont I ever learn? Guess what...you wont make progress by cutting off a negative thought with another negative thought! The point here is that you need to be hard on your negative thoughts but not hard on yourself. Take it easy, but be firm with your errant mind. Just say STOP! Now that you know how to stop the thought process, you need a tool for re-programming your mind so that the thought doesnt come back again later. The answer is to switch your thinking, immediately. Distract your mind. Think about something neutral, like your thumbnail, the pen in your hand...something that doesnt have any negative charge on it. Even better, if you can, substitute a positive thought. My favorite, one I use virtually every day, is Im part of the solution. This, of course, is the answer to the negative thought that IS the PROBLEM! Eventually youll probably be able to anticipate your negative thoughts. Youll see them coming before they arrive. Sometimes negative thinking is a function of your mood. Youll begin to see this, too, as you go along, and when a downside mood creeps in youll be able to head it off at the pass with some positive stuff like: thinking about the things you like about yourself thinking about things you like to do thinking about your most recent triumph or accomplishment. Gradually youll reverse the negative pattern. Just remember and do these three simple steps: listen to your thoughts stop your thoughts switch your thoughts and youll find your way of thinking re-arranging itself. Soon you wont have the negative thoughts as frequently. Eventually, you may extinguish them and discover yourself to be a thoroughly positive person. |
