Are you a good communicator? Do people understand you easily? I've had several experiences lately that made me realize once again the tremendous importance of EFFECTIVE communication. I tend to forget that everything I do or say, or DON'T do or say, is an important form of communication. Our words, body language, facial expressions, silence, and tone of voice all communicate volumes to everyone around us. What language are you, speaking? Does your listener understand it?

Let's start with the basics ... communication takes two, right? A 'speaker' and a 'listener'. Most conversations, verbal or not, have one of each at any given point. Are you a good listener? Do you know when to speak and when to listen? As a coach, I do a tremendous amount of listening, and I've discovered there is quite an art to it. Active listening takes into account not only the words being said, but the tone, silences, speed, emotion, and most of all the words NOT being said. The better you are at "reading between the lines" the more effective you can be as a listener. Pay attention to the clues and you'll learn a lot more about the speaker ... they're communication style may be vastly different from yours!

When it comes to the speaking part of the equation, how do you present yourself? Are you passionate, confident, and full of conversation? Find yourself drawn to speakers who are? Or do you say very little, but hope that each word falls on attentive and understanding ears? There are also some who prefer mostly verbal, and others who rely on non-verbal ... be sensitive to what your listener prefers and you'll find yourself understood more often. I tend to be a woman of few words, but regardless of your style, my words to live by in that department are simply "speak the truth in love". There are times when the truth is very hard to speak, and even harder to hear. The way it's delivered can have a huge effect on whether it's truly heard or not. I had a friend speak some painful truth to me last week, offering a perspective on my actions that was difficult to hear (and hard for her to say), and it was spoken in love. After a bit of protest I was able to hear it, and learned some valuable lessons from it.

My friend's observations also illustrated nicely the other half of effective communication ... the unspoken part. She was seeing and responding primarily to how I was speaking and what I wasn't saying, which spoke much louder than what I was saying with my words. In my coaching, I often point out what's not being said, and offer feedback in the form of "What I'm hearing from you is ..." which lets the listener know what exactly I am hearing and understanding. Feedback is critical to let the speaker know what's going on in the listener's head, and usually comes in the form of a reaction or a response. The difference? Reactions are sudden, intuitive, and usually emotional. Responses are thoughtful, considered, and delivered consciously, and sometimes silence is the strongest response! Both can be very effective forms of communication, but beware of letting reactions rule the landscape or you may get communications you didn't bargain for!

The bottom line ... even if you're having a conversation with someone in your native tongue of French or English or what have you, stay conscious of what and how you're communicating, and learn to read the clues offered by the other person. You'll find that speaking the truth in love, and in a language your listener understands, will go a long way towards avoiding misunderstandings!